Early Childhood Fears
(Spiritual Journey Entry)

2/29/08
Today is the beginning of the rest of my life.

My life has been one of more or less level to downward emotions. I can say that I do not recall lots of pure happiness. I say this as a truth--not to feel sorry for myself or to feel any sadness.

I realize my life has been much better than that of most people. I believe this sincerely. And it has a lot to do with the fact that I insulated myself from my feelings at a very young age.  This was a protection I devised early on in order to survive.

This seems strange, but it is one of the things I learned about myself since I have been on this path of spiritual growth.

As children, my sister and I were left alone many times. This was done from necessity, but not out of neglect. We were always loved. My (our) mother worked and our father was not in the picture until much later.

Living in a room with bathroom and kitchen privileges was homestead for us.  I vaguely remember noises, banging, loud talk, shushing from the apartment's owner ("be quiet, there are children in there").

I think I spent lots of time trying to be invisible with my head under the cover. At times, if things got too frightening for this little child (me), I would actually get under the bed. There I just knew I could not be found. I could not be hurt. I was safe.

As a child, I was more or less a loner. I can't remember having many friends from school or otherwise. It seemed to be important to me to be smart, to excel in school. Most times I would be the smartest one in the class. This distinction seemed to hold great value for me.

When not in school, we were in this room at the rooming house. We could not go out to play, and no children were allowed to be with us since our mother was not home. Probably there was a prohibition on children anyway. I remember hearing my mother say at times that no children were allowed in this rooming house, but the landlord would let us stay.  My mother had told this person, the landlord, that we were very good children, and very quiet. And that we would not cause any problems. And we didn't.

There was a saying which also was a way of life -- children should be seen and not heard. In our case, not even seen.

Of course, many people are affected in many different ways by the circumstances in their early life. Many times the memories and feelings are suppressed -- maybe because they are too painful to remember. What would be the use of dredging up hurt?

AFFIRMATION
Spirit is the most important part of my life.